The Mike Flannigan Diaries, Pt II

(By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)

The Tampa Bay Times Forum, Tampa, FL ---

8:01 Decided to postpone my shower at the Ricky Ricardo Arms until this afternoon. The roach was still in the tub. Fucking bathroom hog. Went straight to the convention center to scout the place out. The Secret Service was there before me doing the same thing. I watched them check the rafters, the rooftops of surrounding buildings, etc. I asked if they were looking for snipers. The guy said, "Yeah, that and liberal bloggers." Then he frisked me. How will I ever break this to poor Doris? Because I think I'm in love.

10:00 I actually saw Senator John McCain doddering around near the convention center even though the convention itself won't be for another four days. He mumbled something about looking for the Congressional cafeteria. I think his strategy is if he and his beer heiress wife Cindy buy enough homes, he'll eventually stop getting lost.

11:21 By the time I got back to the hotel, Housekeeping had already done its job. They left an Ex-Lax on my pillow. Are they trying to tell me something? They also restocked the minibar. I'm coming up in the world. Now I have a new, sealed jar of cocktail olives, two Pearl beers and three condoms. It's like a redneck's version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Woo hoo.

12:34 Went to a nearby Taco Bell for lunch. Saw Grover Norquist arguing about the $1.21 meal tax.

12:57 I can barely see the convention center from my window. With the glass bulge on the south side, it looks like a pregnant NASA hangar.

2:02 Billy used his one phone call to tell me what an asshole I am. I feigned ignorance of his charges then wadded up a sheet of paper and told him we were breaking up before I disconnected. I need new friends, no shit.

2:49 Doris called again and this time I checked the caller ID before opening my mouth. She said Fox News showed me getting frisked by the Secret Service and wanted to know why. What is it with Fox News and me?

3:03 Ari called right after I got done talking to my wife. He wanted to know what I'd learned. I told him, "Well, with Twisted Sister and Rage Against the Machine pulling their songs, I hear Mitt Romney's using the opening bar of Beethoven's 5th." The stupid fuck thought I was serious. Before we hung up, Ari said that Sean Hannity cancelled on Stephanie Miller last night. I said, "Gee, what a shock. Maybe Bartolo Colon used up his supply of testosterone."

6:31 I can hear the couple next to me having sex. I think the guy's a Republican. He was talking about his stock portfolio just before he came.

6:49 Despite the Republican sex inches away, I was still hungry so I called the front desk and asked about room service. The manager hung up and two minutes later, a takeout menu was slid under my door. Inside was a note telling me what the staff wanted.

7:21 Ugh. Deadlines. Time to get to work. Began assembling my notes. So far, the Republican platform seems to consist of, "Lower taxes!", "We built this!" (That'll be trumpeted in a building built with 62% government money), "Lower taxes!" and "Yes, we, too, believe in the concept of legitimate rape but we're too diplomatic to be obvious about it." Call me nostalgic and sentimental, but I'm already starting to miss Sarah Palin and George W. Bush.

8:59 I heard a man groaning in the hallway and at first I thought it was the Republican Romeo next door. I don't know if it was but I opened the door and there was a fat naked guy running down the hall with a pocket knife in his ass. I'll assume it was an accident.

9:25 I'd wound up ordering a pepperoni pizza for myself. I went back a few hours later for seconds and I swear there was a slice missing. Maybe I underestimated the roach's appetite. I wonder what Kafka would say about all this? Drinking this Pearl beer and being back in the south is having a bad effect on me. I suddenly have this overmastering desire to put an old washing machine in my front yard. Good thing I don't have any cousins.

9:45 Trying to get to sleep. Overheard this actual bit of dialogue from Republican Romeo next door: "I have class. At least I put the money on the nightstand instead of throwing it on the floor."