Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Assclowns of the Week #99: Dr. Strangehate edition

     ...or How The GOP Learned to Love ISIS and the Bomb.
     Well, I guess it was only to be expected (By that, I don't mean Iraq turning into dog shit again at the hands of Sunni extremists, which was to be expected) but the black guy getting all the blame for Iraq's newest quagmire after Bush had been praised by the man above for ending the war in 2011. Yes, Republicans finally found a new scandal not named Benghazi to hang on Obama's neck like a greasy, half-plucked albatross and it's Iraq.
     So, Iraq imploding two and a half years after we pulled the last of our fighting forces is also the president's fault since he's loath to send troops back there and the GOP is longingly looking back to the good old days when soldiers were short-changed on armor while war profiteers filled lockers with American loot. And good luck getting the military behind another Iraq War after our lovable conservative-Americans recently shortchanged them on VA benefits, facilities and financial assistance.
     And, as expected, assclowns from hill and dale made the grade for reasons other than Iraq, such as rabid leprechaun Jeff Sessions (6) saying that VA funding for vets is a blank check we can't afford; The MSM (4), for calling in arsonists for advice on how to put out a fire; Rick Perry (10), for saying you can Just Say No to homosexuality and Big Dick Cheney (2) for criticizing the black guy for a war that white men started.
     So let's pile into the MRAP and review the crater-pocked landscape and this week's assclowns who created it and much, much more!

10) Rick Perry
     Leave it to a Republican to equate homosexuality with alcoholism.
     Last week, Texas governor Rick Perry took a break from shooting coyotes and threatening to secede from the union to go public and told the San Francisco Chronicle,
Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way."
     Meaning that if his wet-brained predecessor can find his way back up from the bottom of a bottle, well then, any Nancy boy can work his way back up from someone's bottom. It's just a matter of just saying No. Later, when pressed again if he believed in the efficacy of the long-discredited theory of anti-gay therapy officially embraced by the Texas GOP this spring, Perry said, "I don't know. I ain't no scientist." He then begged off from further questions, saying his head hurt.

9) John McCain
     The biggest secret on Capitol Hill has nothing to do with national security but in keeping Matlock's cancellation from John McCain. Because Arizona's senior senator seems to be having a bit of a problem in deciding which position to take on anything. After saying for years that we should close Gitmo, he's now saying the Obama administration should've turned over Benghazi attack mastermind Ahmed Abu Khatallah to... Gitmo! That would be the same Guantanamo Bay the president had vowed to close and tried to before Republicans blocked the funding necessary for the closing costs.
     And now, McCain is calling for a renewal of hostilities since ISIS, an ultra radical al Qaeda offshoot comprised of Syrian and Iraqi rebels... wait a minute... Syrian rebels?!

     Lest we forget the GOP's earlier stance on the Syrian rebels terrorists now running roughshod over Iraq and that they were screaming Obama should have armed, I give you this blast from the past. Yeah, Johnny boy, let's keep everything on the table, starting with your resignation from the US Senate and the human race.

8) The Hertog Foundation
     Commissioning convicted felon Scooter Libby and Paul Wolfowitz to conduct a five day class entitled, "The War in Iraq: A Study in Decision-Making" would be akin to Timothy McVeigh being invited to appear on This Old House.
     Yeah, you heard that right. The Hertog Foundation, another well-oiled right wing think tank (Look at who their biggest donor is, if you don't believe me) thought it would be a splendiferous idea if they plucked from obscurity two of the biggest criminals (one of them literally a convicted criminal) from the Bush crime family and have them bloviate for five days straight about the shockingly brilliant decisions that Serious White Men made for Iraq, that shining bastion of democracy in the Middle East.
     To add to the bathos of having Paul "It'll Cost Only a Billion, Tops!" Wolfowitz and Scooter "Psst, She's a Secret Agent!" Libby, Hertog then had to plaster on their announcement the pusses of George "Mushroom Cloud" Bush, Dick "They'll Greet Us as Liberators" Cheney and an incompetent general who couldn't keep it in his pants.

7) Allen West
     Allen West must lie awake in bed at night consumed with jealousy at Michael Jackson being able to turn his skin white or racking what passes for his brain for ways to join the KKK. I say this because the older Allen West gets, the more he resembles Stephen, the self-loathing conspiratorial house nigger in Django Unchained. After months of screaming about the Obama administration throwing one distraction from Benghazi after another in the face of America, when that same administration carried out a bloodless arrest of the Benghazi mastermind, what did West do?
     Why, he pulled a Palin and tweeted from his tiny balcony his displeasure that arresting said terrorist was a... distraction from the other nightmares! Whatever they may be. But, really, in all fairness, instead of getting all up in arms over what powerless right wing morons like Sarah Palin and Allen West say, we should be more concerned about what real power brokers like ALEC are doing to our country within the tall grass.

6) Jeff Sessions
     Imagine if Paula Deen and the Lucky Charms leprechaun had a love child. Well, it would be Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions. But this time, it isn't Sessions' infamous racism that earns him inclusion in this august list but his refusal to vote for a relief bill that would speed up meeting the health care needs of veterans that were delayed by the recent VA boondoggle that saw the resignation of General Eric Shinseki. And when the bill was still up for debate (it passed, by the way), Sessions, one of just three senators to vote against the bill, had the nerve to say,
I feel strongly we’ve got to do the right thing for our veterans. But I don’t think we should create a blank check, an unlimited entitlement program, now.
     You heard that right. The Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin actually called a veterans' health care bill "an entitlement program". This, of course, was coming from a war-loving little troll who voted for every appropriations bill designed to bloat the military industrial complex that amounted to, essentially, an endless series of blank checks costing the taxpayer far, far more than the VA relief bill will.
     Climb back under your mushroom, Jeff, and make sure it's a poisonous one.

5) Pat Robertson
     Really, Patsie? Daddy's reputation is worth more than Mommy's life?  
     A few days ago, Pat Robertson read part of a letter sent to him by a child who'd written,
Whenever my parents fight, my dad threatens my mom with his gun. Fortunately, this now means nothing to my mom, and she never goes nuts about it; she is very calm. But as a child, I get nervous and worried when this happens. Even my younger brother saw this incident. What should we do about it and him?
     Predictably, something stupid and senile fell out of his mouth right out of the gate.
Well, again, you don’t want to get your father busted, but you could. You ought to go to your mother and say, ‘Mom, this thing is scaring me, and I ask you please to get my father to have some help.’”
     So, the moral of the story, kiddo, is: If you see Daddy screaming and waving a gun and threatening Mommy, think about his reputation and second amendment gun rights (Ask Joe the Plumber). After all, Mom's already been desensitized to domestic violence, therefore, you should be, too. Just keep it in the family. It's always better that way. Let CSI sort it all out later.

4) The Mainstream Media
 
     It would be so easy to devote this spot exclusively to Fox, which has done more than its fair share to piss in the airways over Benghazi and the unrest in Iraq. After all, just today, Fox invited NFL analyst and fellow right wing nut bag Terry Bradshaw to weigh in on Benghazi and they've also brought into their sound stages the very same people who created the clusterfucks in both places. But then these opinions began metastasizing across channels and pretty soon Billy was foaming at the mouth on MSNBC and saying we should send tens of thousands of our men and women into Iraq, CNN, right after Fox, grabbed the former Viceroy of Iraq, Paul "Dude, Where's Your $8.8 Billion?" Bremer, in which he promptly put both his Timberland boots in his mouth by, you guessed it, blaming Obama for Iraq's current instability and bloodshed.
     Seriously, between the op-ed pieces, TV and radio spots and other blatherings by these so-called "experts" on Iraq, the mainstream media, unsurprisingly, drops the ball yet again by asking the arsonist how to put out the fire.

3) Eric Cantor
     Hey, lame duck House Majority Leader Eric Cantor! You just got your Speaker of the House ambitions dashed in the most humiliating primary defeat in perhaps all American history! What will you do now?
     You got it: Blame the nigger.
     Ray Allen, Cantor's campaign manager and the assclown who personally commissioned an internal poll showing Cantor beating Dave Brat by 34 points, had a handy explanation for his boy's loss. Did he blame himself for his historic incompetence in failing to secure another term for his boss when they'd outspent his Teabagger opponent by 15 to one? Of course not! It's Obama's and the Democrat Party's fault. I suppose it was also the President's fault for only 8.8% of the district coming out to vote that night (4.9% voted for Brat, meaning over 95% of the district didn't care enough for him to come out to vote for him).
     So, yeah, there's that. Even though very few Democrats came out to vote that night in VA-7 and even though Obama's never given a word of support for Democrat Jack Trammell (who is being essentially left to twist in the wind by the craven DNC) and certainly not for Teabagger lunatic Dave Brat. And blaming Obama for this, as right wing hind leg chewers have done over Benghazi and Iraq, is as futile as blaming the Irish locked in steerage for the captain steering the Titanic into the iceberg.

2) Dick and Liz Cheney
     Not since Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor have we seen hubristic preening from a pair named Dick and Liz on such an insufferable level. And while Dick Cheney snarls at Obama over Iraq, W's painting nude selfies of himself, giving you an idea of who was REALLY in charge between '01-'09.
     To spare you needless psychic pain, you can just not read it and take it on good faith it can be boiled down to three words: "It's Obama's fault." Of course, missing from the record is Cheney's "former" company Halliburton making nearly $40 billion from the Iraq war (over five times more than the #2 war profiteer), there were no WMD's ever found and that every one of the shifting reasons for the invasion and decade-long occupation of Iraq was long ago proven to be a hole-y haversack full of dog shit.
     But, hey, what's not to trust? This is coming from a five time draft dodger who shot his friend in the face then covered it up for a day before he could get his story straight. And Liz? Well, she's got to stay occupied somehow since her Senate candidacy went belly up even faster than Iraq's "democracy."

1) George Will
 
     Where there's a Will, there's a wacko.
     Last June 8th, George Will published a column in the WaPo that has to be read to be believed, one entitled, "Colleges Become the Victims of Progressivism." The entire article is offensive in the extreme, with Will snuffling about how rape reports in our colleges and universities are overblown and the usual libertarian bullshit about how government shouldn't get too involved with stuff like that. For good measure, the right wing Poindexter also pulls out of his withered, pasty ass so-called statistics from the right wing American Enterprise Institute. But, right out of the gate, in the opening paragraph, Will says (emphasis mine),
Colleges and universities are being educated by Washington and are finding the experience excruciating. They are learning that when they say campus victimizations are ubiquitous (“micro-aggressions,” often not discernible to the untutored eye, are everywhere), and that when they make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges, victims proliferate.
     Now, Will may have won a Pulitzer back when disco balls and pet rocks were all the rage (My theory is that he takes random words out of a Scrabble dictionary, places them randomly on a blank page then goes back and fills in the gaps) but Will using the terrifying ordeal of rape as a dead fish with which to slap liberalism's face is bottomlessly despicable. Equally heinous is his cherry-picking of certain documented complaints of highly ambiguous guilt that were designed to make rape culture as a whole look harmless and overblown and victimhood something rape victims retroactively covet (basically comingthisclose to equating rape victims with people filing a frivolous tort lawsuit against a corporation). And, to an intellectual fraudster like Will, the Obama administration shouldn't be making any inroads at all toward protecting our young women. No doubt, to Will, we should adopt the conservative alternative, which is to do nothing at all or redefine rape.

   
     Or maybe make this fat fuck our national spokesman on what college women like Sandra Fluke really need. Seriously, from now on, George ought to restrict his public pronouncements to baseball or bunny lint sculptures.

(Editor's note:  After this month, summer's looking more and more dicey for Mrs. JP and me and, pending any new donations, we're literally two and a half months away from eviction. So any help you could give us would be immensely appreciated. Thanks in advance.)

3 Comments:

At June 19, 2014 at 9:22 AM, Blogger Steve said...

Ack Ack Ack a Ak47 of truth to power.

 
At June 19, 2014 at 10:20 AM, Blogger johnny phenothiazine said...

So that swine Robertson's suggestion isn't that the kid should go up to the father and say, "Hey shit head, do you think you can stop waving that gun around all the time?" No, the Voice O' Jesus in Rev. Robertson's inner ear tells him that the kid should dump the problem on the mother. Right, like the mother doesn't have enough to worry about already, with Second Amendment Man waving a gun in her face; now the kid's anxiety is also her problem to solve.

 
At June 19, 2014 at 11:36 AM, Blogger MJ said...

I dunno, Johnny, confronting an angry man with a gun might be a worse idea then implementing an escape plan. But sounds like the kids are young enough need mom on board to do that. Otherwise they might just run into the local Rush clone and never be seen again.

 

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